And I admit that I have stumbled, I have said the wrong things and caused pain in myself and my beloved. I have had to face myself more honestly than ever before, and the only real truth that I've discovered in it all is that I Don't Know.
I have been going around and around in my head trying to figure out what the "right" thing to do is, make the choice that is in mine and everyone's "highest good," and it's been so stressful that I've hardly ate or slept.
I finally hit a point on Wednesday night of total collapse, of just giving up, just laying it all down in total defeated surrender. I realized I was just trying too hard, trying to weigh all the options, trying to listen to my heart, listen to the Universe, listen to all the others involved and consider their feelings, as if walking a razor thin tight rope that I inevitably fell from, and not too gracefully either.
But I realize now that falling from the tight rope was always what was meant to happen. Life brought me to such a tight spot, such a confusing, heart wrenching, painful scary spot, for the very purpose of allowing me to fall, to fall into the I Don't Know.
Because I don't. Jessica doesn't know what's best for Jessica. My five year plan? I don't know! My one week plan? I don't know that either! I don't even know what I should do ten minutes from now, really, I don't.
At first it was a very scary place, to feel totally out of control of my life and destiny, to really not know what I want or what's best for me...
Me, the Angel Medium, who makes my living telling other people what they should do and bringing through direct guidance from the Universe... I. Don't. Know. Anything. It's a whole new paradigm.
But once I just accepted that, once I just let go fully into that, I actually felt so much relief! So much freedom! Like "Wow, I don't know! And I don't have to know! It's not my job to know right now!!! God knows, and that's good enough for me! I'll just relax here until God decides to clue me in. Take a bath...go for a walk....maybe watch some TV."
And as I've relaxed, naturally, my heart has softened, and deeper layers of its love have come to the surface. I see that there is more, MUCH more, to the situation I am dealing with than I have been aware of so far. The human heart in relationship with other hearts is so complex, so delicate, and really - so beautiful.
My mind, when it catches something sometimes, wants to just charge forward, and doesn't always want to wait and see, wait and allow, stop, rest, and let Spirit lead. It thinks it knows the way, and tries to be very clever and diplomatic in navigating situations to stay safe... AND get what it wants.
But if you're lucky (thank you God!) you will fail, like me, and be forced to let go, relax, and allow, and I'm telling you, it makes it all SO much easier!
All that's true for me right now is how much I deeply love and appreciate my partner and everyone in my life. How grateful I am for my relationship, and wanting to honor, witness, receive, and bless my husband and myself.
I've dropped into this deeper place of acknowledgement for what IS, now that I'm not trying so hard to get somewhere else. It's humbling and settling and opening in a way that is more Effortless than ever.
And I know also that in this surrender, this settling in the Now, resting in I Don't Know, that the Divine Plan is unfolding itself through me and my life, and the truth will be revealed in the perfect time and way, and the subsequent action or non-action steps will be clear.
It reminds me of that song by Lucy Schwarts "I don't Know a Thing." I'm officially making it the theme of today's party!
So, Happy I Don't Know Day to you! May Love guide us, as we surrender to the Universe, that we are all but dancing stars within, moved by some great unseen force of Mystery, Magic and Wonder.
How AWEsome indeed!
Love always,
~Jessica
No comments:
Post a Comment