As I sit here and open to
what I’m supposed to write about, my heart just feels so open and in Love with
Life! I mean I am positively bursting with love in this moment! Love for
everyone in my life, love for the miracles that are unfolding around me, in
every sacred breath, Love for Love itself! I FREAKIN
LLOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!
It’s so beautiful, to feel this openness, to be overwhelmed
with gratitude for it all, I just want to cry! And laugh! And scream! And
dance!!! And even though I’m sitting here very still and quiet, all of that is
happening on the inside anyway!!!! It’s as if there’s a party in my
heart!!!!!!!!!! AND YOU’RE ALL INVITED!!!!!!! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!
I didn’t always feel this way though of course. This is
kind of a new experience, to be sitting here in a local coffee shop with my lap
top, having a full on soul-gasm for no apparent reason other then clearly
seeing how AWESOME I am and Life is!
As a child I easily rested in this space of pure openness
and Love. I was fascinated by life and how it worked, and totally immersed in
each moment, filled with awe, excitement, and joy. But then like so many of us,
Life closed in on me and I started to shut down my heart, my light, and my
love.
My heart was broken when the world didn’t meet me with the
same innocence that I expressed. My parents divorced when I was 8, my mom was
an alcoholic, my dad wasn’t emotionally present, I struggled with making friends, and was hurt many times, bullied
even.
For such a sensitive soul like myself, I didn’t know how to
process these experiences, I took it all so personally as a child, thinking
there must be something terribly wrong with me, and not knowing how to be,
because I couldn’t be what I thought other people wanted me to be, but I didn’t
feel safe to be myself. So I just shut down, and started living life from
outside myself, in a state of disassociation.
This resulted in deep depression, anxiety, and chronic
fatigue syndrome in my early teen years. I pretty much threw in the towel on my
life. It was all too much, I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed, let alone
face going to school. It was like it just hurt to be alive in a body, and so
bed was where I stayed for three months straight. The only place I felt safe.
And I reached a cross roads where I had to make a choice:
stay or leave. I knew I couldn’t go on living the way I was, but I didn’t want
to give up.
Then
there was a little voice inside me one night that spoke to me and said “you can
heal yourself. There’s something more for you here.” And I grabbed onto that
voice, knowing that it came from some deeper place of truth then the chaos of
my mind, and as they say…. the rest is history.
I healed myself. I devoured spiritual and personal growth
books, I opened to my spirit, to my connection with the Universe, a source of
Love that was so much bigger then me, and yet, not separate from me in any way. All at the tender age of 15.
It’s been a journey since then, of slowly but surely peeling back the
layers of protection I formed around my heart and soul out of my pain, facing
that pain, standing side by side with it, and embracing it like a friend until
it drops it’s shape, to be replaced by deeper compassion for myself and all
beings simultaniously.
It’s like we spend so much time trying to hide from the
monsters in our closets, when really if we just open up the door, and give them
a hug, we realize they are all just little kid versions of ourselves dressed up
in Halloween costumes to try and get our attention!
So now that this original innocence (and we all thought it
was original sin! Bahahahaha!!!) has been revealed again, how now do I live in
the world as a pure open being, daring to love fully, and not shut down?
Well, the key insight I am realizing in this very moment
that is the difference between the innocence of the child I was, to the woman I
am now, is the recognition that NOTHING I WANT IS OUTSIDE OF ME! I am not separate from the Love I once sought! IT’S ALL RIGHT HERE
WITHIN!!!!!!!!!! That’s a major paradigm shift!
And when we realize that there is nothing outside of us,
just projections and reflections of our own inner divinity in play (even the
icky stuff), there is no more seeking and grasping to try and get love, and so
no trauma when it is withheld from us. Feeling a lack of love from outside
simply becomes the signal to give that which we seek to ourselves.
So I say Dare to Love! Dare to live life totally open!
Breath through the pain of the heart that breaks again and again, each time
leaving behind a deeper and wider opening for the Love that we are to fill and
shine through.
AND WE ARE FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Totally utterly free to be
who and what we are!!!! To shine our brightness, our greatness, our glory, not
to prove anything, not to get anything, but for NO REASON other then to be
AWESOME and experience the pure BLISS of being alive!!!!!!
YES! LIFE CAN BE THIS GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So
may this next breath (INHALE) be a Blessing upon you (EXHALE) and upon all
beings everywhere as we open together in this holy moment!
Love always,
~Jessica
www.EffortlessLivingCoach.com
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