The Power of I Don't Know

     As I sit down to write this today, I must be honest and say that it has been a tough week for me. One full of big growth opportunities and heartbreak/heart opening. My mind has struggled to keep up with the feelings in my heart, as I have faced some major choices in my life. 


     And I admit that I have stumbled, I have said the wrong things and caused pain in myself and my beloved. I have had to face myself more honestly than ever before, and the only real truth that I've discovered in it all is that I Don't Know. 


     I have been going around and around in my head trying to figure out what the "right" thing to do is, make the choice that is in mine and everyone's "highest good," and it's been so stressful that I've hardly ate or slept. 


     I finally hit a point on Wednesday night of total collapse, of just giving up, just laying it all down in total defeated surrender. I realized I was just trying too hard, trying to weigh all the options, trying to listen to my heart, listen to the Universe, listen to all the others involved and consider their feelings, as if walking a razor thin tight rope that I inevitably fell from, and not too gracefully either. 


    But I realize now that falling from the tight rope was always what was meant to happen. Life brought me to such a tight spot, such a confusing, heart wrenching, painful scary spot, for the very purpose of allowing me to fall, to fall into the I Don't Know. 


     Because I don't. Jessica doesn't know what's best for Jessica. My five year plan? I don't know! My one week plan? I don't know that either! I don't even know what I should do ten minutes from now, really, I don't. 


     At first it was a very scary place, to feel totally out of control of my life and destiny, to really not know what I want or what's best for me... 


     Me, the Angel Medium, who makes my living telling other people what they should do and bringing through direct guidance from the Universe... I. Don't. Know. Anything. It's a whole new paradigm.


     But once I just accepted that, once I just let go fully into that, I actually felt so much relief! So much freedom! Like "Wow, I don't know! And I don't have to know! It's not my job to know right now!!! God knows, and that's good enough for me! I'll just relax here until God decides to clue me in. Take a bath...go for a walk....maybe watch some TV." 


     And as I've relaxed, naturally, my heart has softened, and deeper layers of its love have come to the surface. I see that there is more, MUCH more, to the situation I am dealing with than I have been aware of so far. The human heart in relationship with other hearts is so complex, so delicate, and really - so beautiful. 


     My mind, when it catches something sometimes, wants to just charge forward, and doesn't always want to wait and see, wait and allow, stop, rest, and let Spirit lead. It thinks it knows the way, and tries to be very clever and diplomatic in navigating situations to stay safe... AND get what it wants. 


     But if you're lucky (thank you God!) you will fail, like me, and be forced to let go, relax, and allow, and I'm telling you, it makes it all SO much easier!


     All that's true for me right now is how much I deeply love and appreciate my partner and everyone in my life. How grateful I am for my relationship, and wanting to honor, witness, receive, and bless my husband and myself. 


     I've dropped into this deeper place of acknowledgement for what IS, now that I'm not trying so hard to get somewhere else. It's humbling and settling and opening in a way that is more Effortless than ever.


     And I know also that in this surrender, this settling in the Now, resting in I Don't Know, that the Divine Plan is unfolding itself through me and my life, and the truth will be revealed in the perfect time and way, and the subsequent action or non-action steps will be clear. 


     It reminds me of that song by Lucy Schwarts "I don't Know a Thing." I'm officially making it the theme of today's party! 


     So, Happy I Don't Know Day to you! May Love guide us, as we surrender to the Universe, that we are all but dancing stars within, moved by some great unseen force of Mystery, Magic and Wonder. 


How AWEsome indeed!


Love always,
~Jessica

www.EffortlessLivingCoach.com 

Daring to Love and Live Wide Open!

         As I sit here and open to what I’m supposed to write about, my heart just feels so open and in Love with Life! I mean I am positively bursting with love in this moment! Love for everyone in my life, love for the miracles that are unfolding around me, in every sacred breath, Love for Love itself! I FREAKIN LLOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!

          It’s so beautiful, to feel this openness, to be overwhelmed with gratitude for it all, I just want to cry! And laugh! And scream! And dance!!! And even though I’m sitting here very still and quiet, all of that is happening on the inside anyway!!!! It’s as if there’s a party in my heart!!!!!!!!!! AND YOU’RE ALL INVITED!!!!!!! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!

          I didn’t always feel this way though of course. This is kind of a new experience, to be sitting here in a local coffee shop with my lap top, having a full on soul-gasm for no apparent reason other then clearly seeing how AWESOME I am and Life is!

          As a child I easily rested in this space of pure openness and Love. I was fascinated by life and how it worked, and totally immersed in each moment, filled with awe, excitement, and joy. But then like so many of us, Life closed in on me and I started to shut down my heart, my light, and my love.  

          My heart was broken when the world didn’t meet me with the same innocence that I expressed. My parents divorced when I was 8, my mom was an alcoholic, my dad wasn’t emotionally present, I struggled with making friends, and was hurt many times, bullied even.

          For such a sensitive soul like myself, I didn’t know how to process these experiences, I took it all so personally as a child, thinking there must be something terribly wrong with me, and not knowing how to be, because I couldn’t be what I thought other people wanted me to be, but I didn’t feel safe to be myself. So I just shut down, and started living life from outside myself, in a state of disassociation.

          This resulted in deep depression, anxiety, and chronic fatigue syndrome in my early teen years. I pretty much threw in the towel on my life. It was all too much, I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed, let alone face going to school. It was like it just hurt to be alive in a body, and so bed was where I stayed for three months straight. The only place I felt safe.

          And I reached a cross roads where I had to make a choice: stay or leave. I knew I couldn’t go on living the way I was, but I didn’t want to give up.

Then there was a little voice inside me one night that spoke to me and said “you can heal yourself. There’s something more for you here.” And I grabbed onto that voice, knowing that it came from some deeper place of truth then the chaos of my mind, and as they say…. the rest is history.

          I healed myself. I devoured spiritual and personal growth books, I opened to my spirit, to my connection with the Universe, a source of Love that was so much bigger then me, and yet, not separate from me in any way. All at the tender age of 15.

          It’s been a journey since then, of slowly but surely peeling back the layers of protection I formed around my heart and soul out of my pain, facing that pain, standing side by side with it, and embracing it like a friend until it drops it’s shape, to be replaced by deeper compassion for myself and all beings simultaniously.

          It’s like we spend so much time trying to hide from the monsters in our closets, when really if we just open up the door, and give them a hug, we realize they are all just little kid versions of ourselves dressed up in Halloween costumes to try and get our attention!

          So now that this original innocence (and we all thought it was original sin! Bahahahaha!!!) has been revealed again, how now do I live in the world as a pure open being, daring to love fully, and not shut down?

          Well, the key insight I am realizing in this very moment that is the difference between the innocence of the child I was, to the woman I am now, is the recognition that NOTHING I WANT IS OUTSIDE OF ME! I am not separate from the Love I once sought! IT’S ALL RIGHT HERE WITHIN!!!!!!!!!! That’s a major paradigm shift!

          And when we realize that there is nothing outside of us, just projections and reflections of our own inner divinity in play (even the icky stuff), there is no more seeking and grasping to try and get love, and so no trauma when it is withheld from us. Feeling a lack of love from outside simply becomes the signal to give that which we seek to ourselves.

          So I say Dare to Love! Dare to live life totally open! Breath through the pain of the heart that breaks again and again, each time leaving behind a deeper and wider opening for the Love that we are to fill and shine through.

          AND WE ARE FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Totally utterly free to be who and what we are!!!! To shine our brightness, our greatness, our glory, not to prove anything, not to get anything, but for NO REASON other then to be AWESOME and experience the pure BLISS of being alive!!!!!!

          YES! LIFE CAN BE THIS GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So may this next breath (INHALE) be a Blessing upon you (EXHALE) and upon all beings everywhere as we open together in this holy moment!

Love always,

~Jessica 

www.EffortlessLivingCoach.com

Opening together - Finding our sacred community

Hello beauty-full ones! 


For most of my life I've felt like my spiritual journey has been a basically solo path. I've had great friends and partnerships come and go, and been involved in communities, but it's always felt like two separate worlds - the inner word of my relationship with the Divine, and the outer world and my relationships with others. And while I can talk about spirituality with my husband and friends, this feeling of loneliness and separation has still persisted. 


And I hear this from many of my clients and people I talk to, this sense of loneliness on the path, of having these deep experiences of communion with God in the quiet moments within, but how do I then share that with those I love? 


I have felt a deep yearning for community, for people to share my self with on a deeper more authentic level. People I can be totally honest with and express the fullness of the Love that I feel inside. 


Many of us feel this way, it's human nature, we crave relationship, to share and experience love. 


But what I notice for me is that, the deeper I go into my personal healing, the feelings of vulnerability and sensitivity have become so much more acute, as the false layers of personality I've created to protect myself unravel and fall away. 


It's scary sometimes to walk in this world with this new level of vulnerable presence, of just being raw, and there's a part of me that wants to contract around that and avoid people out of protection.


And while part of it for me has been to acknowledge how sensitive I am and be discerning about the people and situations I spend time around, part of it is also to allow myself to keep opening, with others, to share my self even though I feel scared, and put my heart out there anyway. 


It's hard! It's easy now for me to go be with nature and open to the Bliss of Oneness and expanded consciousness, but then to sit with another human being, and open to the same level is scary! I just feel so exposed!


But I'll tell you what, the more I've been doing it, the more I've been attracting the friends who appreciate and reflect the same back at me.


It's as simple as just being honest with others, about how I'm really feeling, not putting on a happy face all the time trying to be likable. And doing my work in the world, expressing my gifts (this Blog for example). Just telling the truth, and telling the truth about how I feel about others too. Giving people complements from the heart, letting people know how much I care about them.


We always want life to work in this order: "Okay Universe, bring me some like-hearted friends so I can finally share myself authentically."


And the universe goes: "Actually hunny, you need to share yourself Authentically, then we'll bring you the like-hearted friends who will reciprocate that."


And something else I've noticed is the Universe gives you a lot for a little. So a drop of authentic self expression will deliver a bucketful of support. Then you give just a cup and receive a bathtub full! 


Bottom line though guys is that we're really not meant to do this on our own. The awakening that is occurring on planet earth right now is a group effort, and we're here to share it. 


And in fact, there's something about sharing it with another, our insights, our light, our healing, and our love, that makes it somehow more real, as if expressing it and having it witnessed and received allows the change to become integrated and take root on a deeper level. 


And we have an effect on one another, especially when two people come together both willing to share from that space of authenticity and vulnerability. There's a spiraling sensation that happens, where one person's expression of Truth awakens and expands Truth for the other person, and back and forth it goes, until an even wider space of openness is reached that may have not been possible for each person individually. 


But we have to be willing to go there, to be vulnerable, to be honest and real, and open our heart to another. And be willing to keep opening and communicating through the hard spots too, because the other inherent gift in relationship is that we are mirrors both for the love within us, and for the woundedness within us. 


Usually when we hit those road blocks of "she said that, and I felt hurt..." we close down, and either ignore it but put a wall around our heart when we interact with that person, or we simply cut them out of our lives. 


The gift though if both parties are willing to listen and open in mutual compassion, is to walk through those barriers, and have a healing instead of a breakup. 


And I think the times we are in are calling us to this realization more then ever. Those of us who are on the transformation path are being moved into position to play our part in the larger play of the ascension of consciousness here on planet earth. And we depend on each other to all play our roles on cue, to carry this thing off without a hitch. And really we can't make a mistake....because even what we would judge as a "mistake" is all part of the process too. 


So let's just take a break from being so consumed with our own "character" and look around, realize what we're all doing here, and have some fun.


The Angels let me know today that the Solstice in June coming up will be a mile marker for us, in coming out of some of the heavier energy of deep individual emotional processing, and joining together in community celebration instead. 


So I'm going "Yes! Finally! Party on the earth plane!! Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll bring the hummus!!" 


LOL! So I appreciate you all who are reading this, because you are a part of my heart and community (I like to think that my community is a reflection of my heart) and I love you, and send you blessings for this next phase of the journey. 


Let's play!!


~Jessica


www.EffortlessLivingCoach.com 

Healing poem of the Goddess

Here's a teaching:

Just let Life destroy you. 

Let it tear you down and crush you.

Break your bones, compress you

Into soft warm clay, 

So you can be molded into the shape of God

Again and again and again.

Go limp, and allow

The Creator to create you anew

In each new moment. 

You Have nothing to hold on to,

No form to maintain.

You are simply the formless substance of all Life,

Appearing but for a moment,

As a Blessings,

Laid down upon the Alter

Of the ONE.