Being
spiritual is great. Being spiritual is awesome actually. When an issue comes
up, those of us on a conscious path will (as one of my friends would say) “get
spiritual on it” to find resolution.
I
had an experience this past week though that made me see the hidden barrier to
healing that can sometimes appear when we jump to “get spiritual on it” so
quickly.
Here’s
the situation: My husband has a 10 year old daughter from a long ago previous
relationship. (Very) long story short – things are tense between the two of
them (my husband and the ex). They don’t see eye to eye on many things and it’s
very challenging, especially when my step-daughter gets dragged into it.
So
for years I’ve been working this situation internally, as it really brings up a
lot for me. I’ve done so much spiritual work on it! Spent hours saying “I love
you’s” to my heart about it, working to release judgment towards the ex, and
even trying my hardest to pry my heart open to her in love and understanding (even when she makes it as difficult as possible to do so!) Then also trying so
hard to be this loving neutral space for Gaby, trying to shield her from all
the conflict going on, plus supporting my husband as he tries to deal with it.
I
was working really really hard. And the other night I reached a breaking point.
I realized that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the situation. I
didn’t realize it, but there was a part of me that thought that if I could “get
spiritual on it” enough – clear enough emotional energy, communicate more
clearly, be more loving – that things would change. That I could somehow shift
it. And I felt how much pressure I’d been putting on myself to do that, and how
powerless and unhappy I felt when it didn’t help.
Not
that it was all completely for nothing. I know that when Gaby is with us, my
being so present and loving with her makes a big difference. But that’s just
how I am naturally. That’s not something I have to spend hours working on and
struggling with.
I
realized I had to let go of my attachment to trying to fix and change the
situation. To me it feels like a runaway train heading for a wreck, and I see
now that me trying desperately to slow that fast moving train is only going to
get me run over. This thing is already in motion and I have to let go of it and
allow it to play out.
Once
I accepted that, there was sadness – because it hurts to see a child that you
love going through pain, and knowing that there is likely more pain up ahead
for them. But there was also a sense of deep peace. A sense of trusting that –
even if it looks like a big mess, somehow this is how it’s all meant to happen,
and it’s not in mine or anyone else’s hands. Maybe the train only looks out of
control because the Divine is at the wheel, and the Divine takes its own
course, not necessarily the nice neat ones we lay out for it.
I
surrendered. That’s what brought on the sense of peace and the ability to just
accept what is, not from a place of trying
to accept what is, or love everything and everyone involved in the desperate
hope that that would make it better.
So
the hidden barrier in doing our spiritual work on things is that sometimes, it
can get in the way of our most sincere surrender and just letting go into the
inevitable.
In
order to get there I first had to get honest and real about how I felt. I had
to get mad, I had to get sad, and I had to let go of trying. Only from this
place could things start to settle in a new way around my heart.
I
feel that now, not being so caught up
in the emotion and drama of it that I can actually just hold space for everyone
to go through what they need to go through, and just love them through it. If
my step daughter is feeling pain and confusion, I know that it’s not my job to
fix that or change that, it’s just my job to love her through it.
I
don’t know why this is all happening, but I know that it’s all going to be okay
in the end. And I can only see that now that I’ve let go of the moving train.
Now I can look out onto the horizon and take in the bigger picture, resting in
faith that there is a plan here – even if I don’t know what it is. All souls
are making their way back to the Light of their own truth, one way or another.
So even though there is pain and anger and conflict right now, all is actually
well.
Peace
and compassionate blessings to you, however you find yourself this moment.
~Jessica
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