Lately a new understanding of what real Confidence IS and ISN'T has become much more clear, and has been incredibly reassuring for me, and may be for you too.
It seems to me that there is self confidence that comes from really believing in yourself, believing that what you think, say, and feel is worth something and matters, and that you are good at what you do. You can look in the mirror and say "yeah, I like myself." or you can make the changes you need to make to be able to to say that.
That's all good and healthy basic self esteem that is important to develop. But there can still be this seed of doubt that we are constantly dancing with in that. This feeling like "as long as things are going my way, and I'm getting the results that I want, then I'm Confident." so we live with this fear of losing it if we make a mistake or fail, and this constant effort to gain more of it, and maintain what we have.
A lot of personal growth teachings are all based around building self confidence and pumping up your self esteem with a lot of positive affirmation and dedicated work on yourself to imagine yourself as the person you most want to be, so you can feel good about yourself. And that's all fine....to a certain point, but it never quite gives you the whole thing.
At any moment you could lose everything you have, you could fail miserably or feel embarrassed when things don't work out the way you imagined them. And while having a positive attitude helps to keep you from totally falling apart when that happens, it's still heartbreaking, and no amount of affirmations can totally shield you from that pain.
I've experienced those heartbreaks many times in my life - as we all have - that left me feeling just worthless, hopeless, and helpless, despite how much work I'd done to "pump myself up" and grow more confident in "who I am," as a person.
So I've been in search of a deeper sense of Self Confidence, one that couldn't be shaken by the unpredictable ups and downs of Life. And while it's still a process of really standing in it fully in every moment, I feel I've at least discovered what that is.
It's a sense of Confidence that comes from being so rooted in the ground of your eternal Beingness, that no matter what happens in life, you know it will never really touch You (capital "Y" You). You have experiences, some painful, some joyful, but you see that they are just that - experiences passing through, and the peace, contentment, and wholeness of Being is still there in the background the whole time.
It's not something we can even really describe with words. It's something that must just be discovered and felt for ourselves directly.
And the only way to get there, the only road there is to take, is to be willing to be completely and totally insecure about EVERYTHING!
That road is littered with all our fears, all our deepest shames, self hatred, grudges, shortcomings, and inferiority complexes. And we must be willing to face them, honestly, and with an open heart, to walk through them, to see what makes it to the other side. See what's left of ourselves when it's all been faced.
And that which is left, is our True Nature. Who we essentially Are, before our persona or ego was formed, which doesn't need to be pumped up or believed in or affirmed, it's just what's True.
That which survives the fire of insecurity is Confidence. True and abiding self confidence, that we don't have to work at or maintain. It's just THERE, no matter what.
You can't force this kind of confidence to happen for you, it happens for all of as when we are ready and willing. All we are asked to do is tell the truth, be honest about everything, and face it head on to see what's true about it. And all that's not true evaporates on it's own in the light of this sincere facing of it.
So now when I'm feeling insecure, I take it as a sign that I'm on the right track! I don't try and pump myself up or believe in myself more, I just face it, and let it fall away, and breathe the Knowing of the deeper truth, the most essential Truth, through my Being with an open hearted "Yes" that welcomes in all experiences, but is not torn down or defined by any of them.
With warm wishes for wherever you find yourself in this moment,
I love you,
~Jessica
